Yikes

Who knew a year could pass so fast? Thanks to facebook, I can update my status a heck of a lot faster than this route and obviously have neglected this poor page. So now I'm not sure whether I should just do a quick update or jump into what's new....Let's see, Macady will be 11 next Sunday, she's nearly taller than me (and is with shoes). My shoes. And my clothes. Yep, she's officially growing up and I'm still in denial over the whole thing. I'm simply not old enough to have a preteen and that's all there is to it. As expected, there have been a lot of changes this year. Between Church, work, marriage and family, not necessarily in that order, many things have 180'ed. So glad things are better with the whole death-do-us-part deal though, because it went beyond rough and I was so done last year. I've found that whenever I'm doing what I know I'm supposed to be doing, doing what the Lord wants, the adversary takes a giant toothpick and starts in at the chinks in my armor. And digs until I bleed.


Church is church. I'm still in Primary, 7 years now but I've graduated to the 7 year olds. I've taught every single child in the Jr. and one class in the Sr. so far. Church is better, since Scott was ordained an Elder on Easter Sunday. That was simply amazing and I could dedicate an entire post to how much I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and he didn't tell a soul until the night before. Humility. It's an awesome trait that I so don't possess. 


We are (thinking) about going through the temple, but I have so.many.questions. I don't even know where to start, who to ask, and the fear of embarrassment and ignorance is so real. I just keep in mind the one time we got to go through as a family before the Rexburg temple was dedicated. I remember every detail, what was happening around me, the words I had heard, and how I was told that it wouldn't feel the same as it should, because of the iniquitous feet that had traveled the same path bruising the sacredness that is there. I remember what the Celestial room looked like, how it felt and how I couldn't stop staring at myself in the eternal mirrors as one temple worker discussed the plan of salvation and eternal families. As someone who doesn't look often in the mirror, for I am embarrassed at what I see, (unless it's to check if I have something in my teeth), I simply don't look. But that afternoon as I walked into that room, I could not stop staring at my reflection. I smile when I think of the explanation of how the mirrored effect worked, that you can't see the eternal significance if you only look at yourself, but that you must look at the person next to you to get the full effect of the eternal family. And I laugh because the only thought that crossed my mind when I heard that, was "Great! My eternity will be spent alone!" I cry when I think of the words I heard so clearly, as if someone was standing right next to me: "Anna. This is how your Heavenly Father sees you. This is your true reflection. The mirrors of the world are simply of the world, meant to destroy the beauty that is within you." Until that day, I'd never even thought of how a worldly mirror can effect the way you see yourself. But to me, it rang true and for just a moment, I felt beautiful, loved, whole. And as I processed all this, we crossed the threshold of the Celestial room and I thought to myself that at least I had this moment in a temple, with my little family and that the spirit there was so unexpectedly strong, regardless of the naysayers. And then I heard the only words Scott spoke the entire tour. In a hushed whisper, a promise that we would return as a family one day. A blessed, blessed day.


Since that came out of nowhere, I'll go on. I still want another baby. Definitely at home or a birthing center, non-medicated, with a certain soul sister at my side coaching me through it. I want to nurse until my baby is ready to wean. I want to enjoy postpartum and not feel like dying. I want to heal quickly, without waiting for drugs to eradicate out of my system. I want to be able to freely move my body, lay my baby down without hurting, feel free to get chiropractic work, align our bodies and our spirits, to feel beautiful and not hate my body for 11 years. I can totally envision it and think about it a lot. Macady still asks me when her brother is coming. I tell her hopefully before she leaves for college. Holy schnikeys....can you even freaking imagine? Happy Graduation, dolly. You're going to be a big sister. Oy vey.


I couldn't leave this story without mentioning one of the biggest life-changing events I'll ever experience and one day, I'll share my writings about losing Pard. I call them the Pard Letters. I miss my beloved sweet friend every day and four months later, every time I think of him, my throat swells closed and tears spring to my eyes once again. For now, I'll just say that Pard was much more than just a dog, he was everything to us. He still comes to me in spirit and I know he will always be close to me. He is buried in the backyard under the lilac trees and we will never move from this home. Because since his passing, this house that we have lived in for nearly 9 years has become a home and I am just realizing how much living we've done here, how we've raised a child here and filled it full of love and memories. This is the house that built us and I hope we never have to leave.


That was this year in a nutshell. I was simply done and didn't have much left to give in many areas. But, like all good stories, things turned around and I learned way more than I expected to. I've grown up a little bit, and it really wasn't that bad. And I've learned how to improvise when it rains and you need a match to light your way.